


Opia

by dat_boi_neah



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: (ship tbd), Allen Walker is Borderline, Allen Walker is a Little Shit, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety Attacks, Author is Actually BPD, Bitter Allen Walker is Bitter, Borderline Personality Disorder, Car Accidents, Cross Marian Cares, Cross Marian isn't Abusive And You Can Fight Me About It, Depression, Future Queerplatonic Relationship, Gen, He's an angel but he hurts and doubts and bpd is a bitch, Ill add notes and stuff if needed as well, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mana Walker is Dead, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Child Abuse, Please read up on BPD before reading, Self-Harm, it can help you understand some things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-26 17:54:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13862877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dat_boi_neah/pseuds/dat_boi_neah
Summary: n. the ambiguous intensity of looking someone in the eye, which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable—their pupils glittering, bottomless and opaque—as if you were peering through a hole in the door of a house, able to tell that there’s someone standing there, but unable to tell if you’re looking in or looking out.“Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life.” - Anne Roiphe





	1. Prologue

It all began with snow.

 

(As most things do.)

 

On Christmas of the year 2012, the world ended, and I died.

 

( _ My _ world ended. My  _ heart  _ died.)

 

I don’t remember much before…. Before I met my father. I don’t remember my birth parents, just the few foster homes I was tossed between. I have long since blocked out a lot of the memories of being at those cursed homes, but sometimes the suppressed comes through.

 

My father helped me through it. He took me to therapy, got me started on medication, and only let the best of the best help me.

 

It worked. I got better. I no longer shook and cried and screamed at night, at the thought of being alone and in a dark room. I felt like I could breathe and be happy.

 

He… was the best thing that ever happened to me. Even if that joy only lasted 3 years.

 

I didn’t have a birthday, and the one the foster system gave me only brought on bad memories. So my father gave me a new one. He adopted me on Christmas. Told me I was the best gift he could’ve ever gotten. So that date became the most valuable memory to either of us.

 

That is… until he died on that very day.

 

(I hate my birthday now. I can’t even associate it with the joy it first brought me anymore.)

 

It all began and ended, with snow.

 

I hate snow.


	2. Chapter 1 - Exulansis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> n.the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it.
> 
> “They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” -Andy Warhol

The first few weeks after Christmas are the worst. Especially since it always snows. That never helps.

 

My legal guardian wakes me up on those days, drags me out of bed, forces me to at least eat a slice of toast and drink a glass of water, then lets me go lie back down and sleep for the rest of the day.

But something different happened the day after New Years Day.

 

He woke me up, and told me we’re going on a trip, so I needed to pack my bags for the next few weeks.

 

“Best to pack for at least two months, really. Just to be safe,” he grumbles.

 

Me, barely there mentally, nodded my head, and narrowed my eyes with suspicion. 

 

(I kept quiet as the two of us packed my stuff. He was already packed.)

 

We ate eggs and toast with orange juice, packed a cooler full of snacks, shoved our things into the trunk of his SUV, and drove off.

 

All of the moving around and getting ready snapped me out of my daze enough for me to ask, “Where are we going, Cross?”

 

He ignores my question, “It’ll be a few hours before we get there, so take a nap if you want.”

 

I sigh sharply at him waving my question off. Trying not to let that hurt me, or worse, piss me off, I pull out my phone, turn on a playlist of Let’s Play’s Grand Theft Auto V playthroughs, and watch it in silence.

 

I must’ve nodded off at some point, because I am startled awake by Cross shaking me. We’ve parked at a gas station.

 

It’s snowing.

 

“I gotta piss, I’ll be right back. If you gotta piss too, best go now. Need anything?”

 

I shake my head slowly, still looking at the snowflakes slowly falling to the ground,

He smacks my arm, “Hey!” I look at him, “Will you be okay? Do you need your meds?”

 

Marian Cross, for all his tough talk and blunt statements, cares. I know he does. But it never fails to catch me off guard.

“Sure,” I say not really focusing. 

 

He sighs, and rummages through my backpack to find the orange bottle of my anxiety meds. I could never be bothered to learn the name. 

 

He silently opens a water bottle, and hands me a white pill. I take it without complaining and he locks the car door and walks over to the gas station shop.

 

I close my eyes, and try to focus once more on the annoyed yelling of the Roosterteeth Let’s Play squad as they try to figure out a mod.

 

Cross returns in about 10 minutes, and we begin driving again.

 

“Are you going to tell me where we’re going now?”

 

Cross flinches. It’s barely visible, but I catch it.

 

The anxiety meds haven’t kicked in yet, so I try not to panic. That’s the ‘I-gotta-say-something-that-may-or-may-not-trigger-a-bad-splitting-episode-so-I-gotta-word-this-carefully’ flinch.

 

“What is it?”

 

He speaks sharply, but not harshly, “I need you to calm the fuck down, listen to me, and let me finish, got it?”

I nod shakily.

 

“Mana and I…. You know we were friends. And that’s why I got custody of you after he died. Because he trusted me for some ungodly reason, and made me your godfather,” He pauses. “We… met through a mutual connection. Now, what I’m about to tell you, may upset you, but I need you to really try to think rationally while I explain, got it?” 

 

I remain silent, and let him continue.

 

“Mana…. Has a brother, Neah,” I open my mouth to say something, but he holds a hand up.  “Let me finish, I said. I met Neah in Uni, and after my family kicked me out, he let me come back to live with him and his brother here in America after we graduated. So I met Mana.

“They were twins, and god, we’re they menaces together. But they were my best friends for as long as I can remember.. And… at some point, I left, and we lost contact. Well, it was more like we just drifted apart. 

 

“I didn’t hear from Mana ever again. Suddenly, I was called by social services, and was told that I had a godson, and I needed to either take custody or have him be put into the system. I wasn’t sure what to make of that, so I went back to Pennsylvania, and was handed your file. I read through it, and decided immediately I needed to take you in. Mana…. He was the closest thing to a family I’ve had in a long time, and to find out he died without me seeing him in so many years, nearly shattered me, so I felt that the best thing I could do was take you in.”

 

I’m silent for a moment, trying to keep myself calm and rational, even as my thoughts and instincts are telling me to 

 

_ yellscreampunchhimkickhimmakeuscrASHintothattreejumpoutofthecarthiscan’tbehappeningwhydidmanaliewhydidcrosslIE--- _

 

But I settle with, “Why are you telling me this now?”

 

Cross sighs heavily and takes out a cigarette, “I haven’t spoken to Neah in a very long time. Like I said, we drifted. I have his number and email, and so, when my boss told me I have to… go on a trip, I knew I couldn’t leave you alone and unattended--”

 

I snap and break down. “No! You can’t leave me, you promised Cross! Don’t go please, I’m begging you I’ll do any--” Tears pour down my face and I grab his arm.

 

He pulls the car over on the side of the highway, “I told you to think rationally and let me finish. Remember what Anita taught you, dammit?”

 

“B-but you’re l-leaving me! J-just like M-Mana! You’re g-g-gonna take me to that stranger and leave m-me there!” I grip tightly on to his arm. 

 

_ Noyoucan’tleavemeI’lldieIcan’tlivewithoutyouit’sjustlikeManaalloveragainIcan’thandlETHIS--- _

 

“ _ ALLEN WALKER, BREATHE! _ ” He grabs my shoulders and I snap out of my thoughts to take in a deep breath. My arms twitch and shake as I try not to scratch and tear at my arms. This can’t be happening. Cross can’t leave me, why does everyone leave me? Am I so unlovable? Am I really so broken?

 

Cross shakes me gently, “Breathe with me, Allen. Please?”

 

I continue to shake and cry, but I try my best. _Maybe if I please him and listen to him, he’ll change his mind? I need him to love me, if he loves me he won’t leave. God, why did I blow up like that, I’m awful, he hates me now, doesn’t he? He'll never come back now--_

 

As we breathe, my breaths no longer shake and I slowly begin to stop shivering.

 

“Are you alright now, Allen? Stupid idiot, you know I love you and I won’t leave you anytime soon. Just listen to me before you start to panic, Jesus Christ.” He smiles, sad but fond.  _ He’s lying, he must be-- _

 

I take one more breath, and nod at him to continue.

 

“I need to go on this work trip, Allen. I could lose my job if I don’t. I don’t like having to lea- go away for so long, but Allen, this is important. Anita is too busy to watch you and help you with your home tutoring, so I called Neah after all this time.” Cross chuckles dryly. “His reaction was almost like yours, finding out about you. Turns out Mana kept you a secret from them as well. Mana… left his family behind. They broke a promise, and he couldn't stay there anymore. He disowned them, changed his name, and went to London.”

 

I try not to dwell on the fact that Mana didn’t tell his family about me ( _ was he ashamed of me? _ ) and focused on his brother's ( _my uncle's!_ ) name.

 

“What was his name before…?”

 

“Mana D. Campbell. He changed it once he left because he couldn’t bear for them to find him,” Cross took a deep drag of his cigarette with a heavy sigh. Guilt consumes me at the realization that this conversation weighs on his shoulders. _Why did I have to keep asking questions? He’s gonna hate me at this rate for sure._

 

“So, Neah, Mana’s brother, is going to care for me..? What if something goes wrong? What if he hates me?” _Fuck, Allen. Stop making things harder, dammit!_

 

“Neah already adores you, kid. As soon as I told him, he was ridiculously excited to meet you; once he got over the crushing realization that Mana kept such a thing from him, of course,” Cross scoffed dryly. “I don’t blame ‘im. I was pretty fuckin’ pissed to find out myself. ‘Was happy for ‘im, but it still hurt a shit ton to know that your best friend hid somethin’ like that up until he died.”

 

I remain silent.

 

Cross take a last drag, before tossing the cigarette out the window, and starts up the ignition again. “Neah is more excited than anything. He probably blabbed to that whole fuckin’ family of theirs right after we hung up. Still lives with them, so I mean, he had to. And he said that creepy old man of theirs said it was fine for you to stay there.”

 

I look at Cross with wide eyes, “A-a family? And by old m-man you mean…?”

 

Cross smiles softly at me, “Yeah, you’ve got a whole family all to yourself, including a grandfather.”

 

My eyesight blurs with tears. I’m unsure as to whether I should focus on the joy of having a big family, or the frustration of the many things Mana had… failed to mention to me. _I should’ve know these things. Maybe he was ashamed of or angry at them, but what if he was just ashamed of me instead?_

 

I wasn’t an easy kid to take care of. I was loud and angry, and I would have awful night terrors that kept him up. There were days when I could tell that he was tired, so tired. His eyes darkened and his face seemed worn down. I would ask him if he’s okay, if I was too much of a burden, but he would frown, then pick me up, and kiss my head.

 

“You’re always worth it, Allen. You are the most precious gift I have ever received, and I wouldn’t give you away for anything,” He swore. 

 

I don’t know what else to say to Cross, and I think he can tell because he continues,

 

“They’re loaded as fuck, much more than myself, and all, what, 13? 14? Of them live in one large-ass mansion. I think you’ll like it. I’ve been over there once or twice, it’s your kinda thing. Very old fashioned. The Noah… they’re fucking crazy, but alright people. Nice enough. Adam, your grandfather, cares about everyone in the family more than anything, so you don’t have to worry about that.”

 

“But I was adopted into the family…”

 

Cross barks out a laugh, “You think that matters to anyone? Neah and Mana were his only biological sons. The rest of them were taken in by him for one reason or another. Very charitable, I guess,” Cross scoffs.

 

“But that doesn’t guarantee that they’ll think Mana made a good choice? What if I’m too much work? You know I can be… difficult.”

 

Cross looks at me incredulously, “Kid, you’re the easiest kid anyone could ever take care of. Just ‘cause you have your moments doesn’t mean you’re difficult. You’re well behaved, polite, and soft-spoken. You just get really sad and angry this time of year and from time to time, big deal. You’ve… really improved in these past couple of years,” His face pinches uncomfortably, “I’m… proud of you, kiddo.”

 

My face scrunches up, “Are you joking?” _Never thought I’d hear those words come out of his mouth._ I wipe the tears from my cheeks.

 

Cross sputters, “I can be proud of you! What the fuck, kid!”

 

“Be proud of me silently, please. That was the weirdest experience of my life,” I side eye him.

 

Cross shifts in his seat and grumbles to himself.

 

(The rest of the ride involves me taking in the information that was dropped on me, and convincing myself quietly that opening the car door and jumping out wouldn't be the best choice.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the first official chapter! Like I said, I have no McFrickin' clue when the next one will be done, so bear with me.
> 
> Please lemme know what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my story! I hope you enjoy it because it took me a lot of work to get this started lol
> 
> I don't know when the next chapter will come out; executive dysfunction is a bitch.
> 
> But yeah, I love the idea of Allen being BPD because I see myself a lot in him and it's nice to relate to a character like that.
> 
> This story will feature a lot of triggering things so PLEASE read the tags. They may change or I may add new ones so pay attention to that!


End file.
